Category Archives: Relationship

A Tantric Bodywork Session

When I get asked what I do for a living and say that I am a Tantric Practitioner/Sex Coach, I typically get one of two reactions: 1) A look of complete horror as if I’ve just killed a small child, or 2) A look of curiosity, and the person will begin asking me questions in a very hushed voice. Many times after a few questions I will hear something along the lines of, “Oh, I have a great sex life. I don’t need that.” They are usually shocked to hear that there are enough people out there who need bodywork to sustain not only my business but also the businesses of many of my friends and colleagues just in the area where I live. They are then surprised to hear that actually EVERYONE needs Tantric Bodywork.

Truly everyone can gain something out of Tantra and Sex Coaching. As humans, we have a purpose to continue to grow and expand as people, and the path of Tantra has endless possibilities. Tantra is often viewed by those unfamiliar with the practice as only a sexual practice, but tantra is a life philosophy, a way to weave energy, breath, and connection into even the most mundane of moments. It’s about learning to connect into your life-force energy at all times and learning to honor yourself and your partners. And then of course there are also the fun sexual practices!

If you want to grow as a human being then YOU need tantric bodywork. In today’s society we do not go through life without shame, energy depletion, and some form of trauma. So below are some specific reasons to sign up for a Tantric Bodywork Session:

Reconnecting with Your Body: We live in a world where we are taught to walk about totally disconnected from the neck down. A tantric session allows you to be led to really connect with your own body and all its juicy sensations. You’ll go beyond merely connecting with your body, however; you also get a chance to reconnect with your sexual energy. This time spent with your body will reinvigorate all of your systems, and you will find that you not only have a greater connection with your genitals but also with your toes, your belly, the top of your head, the tips of your finger, etc. You get to experience your body in a way you likely never have before.

Release stored Trauma & Emotions: Our bodies are quite intelligent and will store memories, trauma, and emotions in many different areas. Dr. Peter Levine, the creator of Somatic Experiencing, writes in his book, “Waking the Tiger” about situations in the wild where animals get hurt. As a coping mechanism, they literally will shake/vibrate in order to burn off the negative energy and not carry that trauma around in their systems. As humans we instead hold this trauma in our bodies. Trauma to our systems can be big events such as rape and abuse but it also includes all the daily irritations, emotions, and events that stir up our limbic system. When you experience tantric bodywork the practitioner can begin to remove some of these previously held blocks in the system.

Communication when dating tips

My cheeks are flushed, my body is radiating heat, and little moans escape my lips. His breath is heavy on my neck as we dive deeper and deeper into a state of passion. The little moans escaping my lips tell him that I am enjoying his touch and he sporadically shares little insights of enjoyment… “Oh, yes,” “You’re amazing,” “Oh, right there,” as I watch his body tremble over and over again with orgasmic energy. As we continue in our play, he enters a state of deep intensity and shifts my positioning. We are in the midst of a passionate animalistic moment when all of a sudden I find myself taken from bliss quickly to severe pain. “Oww! That really hurts. You feel fucking amazing but that’s too deep.” We take a second and try moving slower and less deep but the angle simply isn’t working for my body today. He rapidly switches my position again and we fast approach a deeper state of intimacy. At one point our moans, heavy breath, and sighs are the only form of communication as we are so close that our bodies could melt into each other. We stop several times in our hours of sexing between orgasms to talk with each other about life and our turn-ons… what we like, what we don’t like, and even share a few fantasies until we end the night in a beautiful silence that says more than any words could say.

couple-pillow-talk_pijs35Communication is vitally important in relationships in order to build intimacy. One of the times that it is significant to communicate is in the middle of sex, like the above event. This does not mean we need to stop and have full in-depth conversations while trying to merge sexual energies, although if that’s what is needed then that is an option. There are many different aspects to communicating during these intimate moments and they don’t have to shut the sexing down.

Share your enjoyment! – Sex requires a state of vulnerability and one way to help your partner know you are enjoying things is to tell him/her. Take the time to give your partner kudos for the moments when they are touching you in all the right ways. Allow those deep moans and sexy sighs to slip through those lips and if something is working really well, directly say so… “Wow, that feels amazing!,” “I love when you do that,” etc. Also, making sexy observations can help turn your partner on or simply communicate you are enjoying the situation… “Your breasts look amazing from this angle,” “Your skin is so incredibly soft, ” “You have a beautiful ass,” etc. If you are not verbalizing, then your partner is never going to learn what is working and what your turn-ons are. Your orgasm and pleasure is your responsibility so start talking!

Make adjustments – As much as it’s important to tell your partner if something feels good, it also is vital to tell them if something isn’t working. Like in the above example, sometimes in the midst of things working they suddenly aren’t working and that doesn’t mean anyone is doing anything wrong. What feels fantastic one time may not feel so amazing the next depending on a variety of factors. There are many different ways to ask for adjustments during sex, but no matter how you go about it use direct requests. In the middle of sex, if I need a small adjustment just to increase my overall pleasure then my favorite way to ask is to recognize something that I am really enjoying and then ask for the adjustment. However, when you are engaging in more adventurous play it is important to set up safe words in order to communicate more effectively if things need to quickly change in the situation. Safety should be of the upmost importance during sex due to not only the physical components but also the emotional components. Unless you are able to have those meaningful conversations to communicate your safe words then I strongly suggest avoiding any risky sexual play until you and your partner have come to a more open and communicative place in your relationship.

Are You Depend On Them

When it comes to the kind of women that men are attracted to, it could be said that there is not one type. There is what is spoken about in the media, for instance, and then there is what takes place in reality.

If one was to read an article about what kind of woman a man is attracted to, they could hear about how important her appearance is. This could also be a time when one will hear about how she will need to have the right hip to waist ratio.

The ideal

Therefore, if a woman wants to attract a man, it will be vital for her to look right. And, if she doesn’t look this way, it will be a challenge for her to find someone to have a relationship with.

What is clear is that both men and woman have very little control over how they look; this is something that has been defined by their genetics. Now, this is not to say that they can’t change the shape of their body through exercising or even through having surgery, but there is only going to be so much they can do.

Reality

Fortunately, men are not always attracted to the kind of women the media describe, and so this doesn’t mean that a woman won’t be able to have a relationship if her appearance is different. What this partly comes down to is that even though a man may desire to be with a woman who looks a certain way; it doesn’t mean that he will be able to fulfil this need.

He may believe that he doesn’t have what it takes to be with someone like this, and so he will have to go for the kind of woman who he believes he can attract. This is then similar to how a man may want to drive a sports car, but he might have to settle for something far cheaper.

Another Component

There are also going to be men, for whatever reason, who are more interested in what a woman’s personality is like than how she looks. If she comes across in a certain way, this could be what ends up pulling them in.

Their friends could then be happy that they have found someone, or they could wonder what they see in this person. But if this is who one likes, they might not be concerned about what their friends think.

The Priority

If a man only cares about how a woman looks, he might not care about anything else. Through being with her, this is likely to make him feel good, and he could enjoy the effect this has on his image.

It is then not just that he will be with someone who is attractive; it will influence how other people see him. This is then going to be the same as what happens when a man drives an expensive car, and how it will increase his value in the eyes of others.

Two Sides

Yet even if being with someone like this will have a positive effect on him and how others perceive him, if the woman doesn’t have the right personality it could cause him a lot of problems. What he could find is that the cons outweigh the pros, and it might then be better for him to cut his losses.

During the beginning of the relationship, it might be a lot easier for him to tolerate this kind of behaviour. But as time passes, the effect she has on him could soon wear off, and there will only be one option.

The Energetic and Dangers when you are dating

We learn early on that that sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies and STD/STIs. Schools do a wonderful job at scaring us from having sex when we’re younger by showing us images of genitals infected with diseases, the negative effects of an unwanted pregnancy, and the staggering statistics about both. I am an advocate for engaging in safe sexual practices and think it’s essential in a healthy adult relationship and as a responsible individual. One surefire way to kill any sex life or relationship is to get an incurable STD. However, what we don’t learn about as children is the other ways in which sex can be dangerous…. or amazing!

Throughout our lives, every sexual experience and every interaction builds on the next to become the filter through which we approach our lives. When we enter into a sexual relationship, we bring with us the energy of every other sexual experience we have lived previously. So if you haven’t processed or done your work around your sexuality and relationships, then you’re bringing those positive and negative energies into your new experiences.

The truth is, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, sex connects us. Yes, even one-night stands and side flings connect and change us. You are merging energy and allowing another person to engage with your most powerful energy: your sexual energy, or kundalini. Think about a heterosexual encounter, where the man is inserting his penis into a woman’s vagina. What is not seen, but what all tantra experts are aware of, is that there is an energy exchange happening in this moment. This builds a connection, as one person integrates a piece of their energy into the other’s being. Lets not forget that while all this energy is melding, our brains are also releasing oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. This is the hormone for women that creates a bond, but is also the reason why you feel so sensual after good sex.

This bonding makes any relationship stronger and deeper. Whatever that relationship has been, adding sex adds a new layer to the relationship and creates a connection. This goes for one-night stands, long-term relationships, rapes, etc. You have just built an energetic cord to that other person. This is when sex can become messy, because these connections affect how the relationship functions, for better or worse.

This energy exchange and chemical bonding can be amazing and help us to grow and expand as individuals and couples. But it can also cause unforeseen difficulties. As I said earlier, if someone hasn’t been doing their sexual work and clearing their entire systems, then you could unwittingly take on years of their negative energy if you’re not careful. Also, if we become who we have sex with, then it is important that we make sure we want to take a little piece of that other person into our being.

I can remember dating a guy who was very sweet. We got along, had great conversations and were pretty compatible… until we began playing sexually. All of a sudden, after every sexual encounter I would find myself feeling nauseous. This had never happened previously, and so after checking in with myself I realized that I was taking in a piece of this man’s energy that was not jiving with my system. As soon as I broke off the relationship, I stopped having this reaction after sex. It was my body telling me that our energies were incompatible. It was also alerting me to the underlying energy that I had been overlooking in our daily interactions.

Anger and Resentment

Anger hurts. It’s a reaction to not getting what we want or need. Anger escalates to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened. It could be physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it’s because we’re really reacting to something in our past event – often from childhood.

Codependents have problems with anger. They have a lot of it for good reason, and they don’t know how to express it effectively. They’re frequently in relationships with people who contribute less that they do, who break promises and commitments, violate their boundaries, or disappointment or betray them. They may feel trapped, burdened with relationships woes, responsibility for children, or with financial troubles. Many don’t see a way out yet still love their partner or feel too guilty to leave.

Codependency Causes Anger and Resentment

Codependent symptoms of denial, dependency, lack of boundaries, and dysfunctional communication produce anger. Denial prevents us from accepting reality and recognizing our feelings and needs. Dependency on others spawns attempts to control them to feel better, rather than to initiate effective action. But when other people don’t do what we want, we feel angry, victimized, unappreciated or uncared for, and powerless – unable to be agents of change for ourselves. Dependency also leads to fear of a confrontation. We prefer to not “rock the boat” and jeopardize the relationship. With poor boundaries and communication skills, we don’t express our needs and feeling, or do so ineffectively. Hence, we’re unable to protect ourselves or get what we want and need. In sum, we become angry and resentful, because we:

Expect other people to make us happy, and they don’t.
Agree to things we don’t want to.
Have undisclosed expectations of other people.
Fear confrontation.
Deny or devalue our needs and thus don’t get them met.
Try to control people and things, over which we have no authority.
Ask for things in non-assertive, counterproductive ways; i.e., hinting, blaming, nagging, accusing.
Don’t set boundaries to stop abuse or behavior we don’t want.
Deny reality, and therefore,
Trust and rely on people proven to be untrustworthy and unreliable.
Want people to meet our needs who have shown that they won’t or can’t.
Despite the facts and repeated disappointments, maintain hope and try to change others.
Stay in relationships although we continue to be disappointed or abused.
Mismanaging Anger

When we can’t manage anger, it can overwhelm us. How we react is influenced by our innate temperament and early family environment. Thus, different people react differently. Codependents don’t know how to handle their anger. Some explode, criticize, blame, or say hurtful things they later regret. Others hold it in and say nothing in. They please or withdraw to avoid conflict, but stockpile resentments. Yet anger always finds a way. Codependency can lead to being passive-aggressive, where anger comes out indirectly with sarcasm, grumpiness, irritability, silence, or through behavior, such as cold looks, slamming doors, forgetting, withholding, being late, even cheating.

If we’re in denial of our anger, we don’t allow ourselves to feel it or even mentally acknowledge it. We may not realize we’re angry for days, weeks, years after an event. All of these difficulties with anger are due to poor role models growing up. Learning to manage anger should be taught in childhood, but our parents lacked skills to handle their own anger maturely, and therefore were unable to pass them on. If one or both parents are aggressive or passive, we would copy one or the other parent. If we’re taught not to raise our voice, told not to feel angry, or were scolded for expressing it, we learned to suppress it. Some of us fear we’ll turn into the aggressive parent we grew up with. Many people believe it’s not Christian, nice, or spiritual to be angry and they feel guilty when they are.